Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"
Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."
X asked, "Can you explain?"
Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife
decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."
Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"
Y said, "Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"
X asked, "Then what is your role?"
Y said, "My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iraq, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, Whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these"
Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees
are in office(approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within
3 mins & every employee gathered outside office. 10 mins
passed..................................5 more mins passed.
Security Officer -> Announcement started, "Dear Employees - With melting
heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a
last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employee. While
moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are layed off & all their
belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this
approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in
thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office". Hope you have nice
career ahead. Please move in & try your luck.
I've always made an effort to keep this blog clean. Tasteful humor. But sometimes you just can't help it! I am still laughing.
Courtesy: http://www.urbandictionary.com/
Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?
A. I will give invitation Card.
Q. What is JVM ?
A. Jilebi, Vada & Maaza
Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?
A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will
have 3 tyres.
Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which
methodology will follow ?
A. Send it through courier.
Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?
A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.
Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?
A. Non living things can't communicate.
Q. What is meant by flickering ?
A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.
Q. Explain RMI Architecture?
A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.
Q. What is the use of Servlets ?
A. In hotels, they can replace servers.
Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?
A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for
process.
Q. When is update method called ?
A. Who is update method?
Q. What is JAR file ?
A. File that can be kept inside a jar.
Q. What is JINI ?
A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.
Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?
A. I will go and enquire in the bus depot.
Q. What is serialization ?
A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.
Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?
A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.
Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?
A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.
Q. What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object ?
A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast,
else it is multicast
Laloo
One day Laloo was traveling by his car.
He was going to a village for campaigning. Suddenly a piglet came before
the car. The driver couldn't hit the brake at the right time and
unfortunately the baby pig was killed in the accident.
At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset. He called the
driver and said,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahta hoon.
Usko dhundke lao".
At his words the driver went to the nearest village and came back after
some time with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck and lots
of money in his hands!!!
Laloo was surprised. He asked,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye,
aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! Baat kya hai?
At this the driver replied " I told them about the incident. Hearing it
they were rejoiced, put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for some time
and gave this money."
Laloo then asked him "Aap unko eg-jectly kaa bola?"
The driver replied:
"Main bola, mein Laloo Prasad Yadav ka driver hoon,
maine suaar ke bachhe ko mar dala hai......... ."
Divorce: Indian Style
After 48 years of marriage, an elderly man in Bombay calls his son in New
York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that
your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!"
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Bombay immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a
thing, DO YOU HEAR??" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says,
"It's all set. They're both coming for Diwali and paying their own
airfare!!"
Aisa bhi nahin hai ke I don't like your face.
Par dil ke storage mein no more disk space...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Ghar se jab tum nikale pehen ke reshmi gown.
Jaane kitne dilon ka ho gaya server down...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Jabse meri zindagi mein, aayi hai ik female.
Bhool gaya hai sab kuchh kya mailbox, kya e-mail...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Dil se ek ishq ki application create kar raha hoon.
Pyaar se debug karna mein wait kar raha hoon...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Kal jab mile thhe to dil mein hua ek sound.
Aur aaj mile to kehte hain your file not found!
---------------------------------------------------------------
Jo muddat se hota aaya hai, woh repeat kar doonga...
Tu naa mili to apni zindagi ctrl+alt+delete kar doonga...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Shayad mere pyar ko taste karna bhool gaye...
Dil sey aisa cut kiya ke paste karna bhool gaye...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Laakhon honge nigaah mein kabhi mujhe bhi pick karo...
Mere pyaar ke icon pe kabhi to double-click karo...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Roz subha hum karte hain pyar se unhe good morning...
Woh aise ghoor ke dekte hain jaise 0 errors aur 5 warning...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Nazar mein to kai hain aur shaayad lonely hain...
Problem yehi hai ki voh ab read only hain...
---------------------------------------------------------------
Tumhaare intezaar mein neend aayee so gaya.
Yeh dekho mera connection time out ho gaya...
Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife.
*But accidently the call went to a cricket stadium having Test Match *
He asked what is the condition.
*He died after what he heard. *
"
"
"
Guess What would be the reply ....
"
"
"
"
"
"
It is ... ...................
""
"
"
"
7 ARE ALREADY OUT
3 MORE WILL BE OUT HOPEFULLY BY LUNCH
AND.......................
"
"
"
THE FIRST ONE WAS DUCK!!!!!!!
Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 20th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an
uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach.
However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 20 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Rajiv answers, "Don't worry darling they'll find us!!!!"
Please read this carefully. And enjoy, But do not laugh until you completed the below conversation.
Love:
Boy: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Girl: Do you want me to leave?
Boy: NO! Don't even think about it.
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Of course! Over and over!
Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?
Boy: NO! Why are you even asking?
Girl: Will you kiss me?
Boy: Every chance I get!
Girl: Will you hit me?
Boy: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Girl: Can I trust you?
Boy: Yes.
Girl: Darling!
After marriage - - - Simply read from bottom to top
A soldier stationed in Afghanistan recently received a letter from his
girlfriend back home. It read as follows:
Dear Ricky,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is
just too great. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to
you.
Love, Becky
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures
of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos
in that envelope along with this note:
Dear Becky,
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the hell you are.
Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care,
Ricky
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.
This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer ........rrrrrip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a
tree on the banks of a river.
He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. One day, while he was working, his machine
tumbled off the table and fell in the river.
Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River
Goddess.
The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her
that he had lost his computer in the river. As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a match
box and asked, "Is this your computer?"
Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No. " She next showed him a
pocket-sized calculator and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!" Finally, she came up
with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his.
The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes. " The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was
about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that
you 're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own?"
The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid idiot! The first two things I showed you were
the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!" So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!
Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it is better not to open mouth.
Do you keep falling asleep at meetings and seminars? What about those
long boring conference calls? Here's a way to change all that:
1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar or conference call,
prepare for the meeting by drawing a square -- 5"X5" is a good size.
2. Divide the square into columns -- five across and five down. That
will give you 25 one-inch blocks.
3. In each block, write one of the following words/phrases:
synergy
strategic fit
core competencies
best practice
bottom line
revisit
take that off-line
24/7
out of the loop
benchmark
value added
proactive
win-win
think outside the box
fast track
result-driven
empower(ment)
knowledge base
at the end of the day
touch base
mindset
client focus(ed)
ballpark
game plan
leverage
4. Whenever you hear any one of those words/phrases, check off the
appropriate block.
5. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically or diagonally,
stand up and shout BULLSHIT!"
Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
"I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won."
-- Jack W ., Boston.
"My attention span at meetings has improved drastically."
-- David D., Miami
"What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first win."
-- Sue S., NYC
"The atmosphere was tense in our last process meeting as 14 of us
waited for the fifth box." -- Joseph R., St. Louis
"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed BULLSHIT!
for the third time in two hours." -- Kathleen L., Atlanta
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with nmathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer
this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says Kalam.
He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President.
Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put Condoleeza Rice to the test.
Bush summons her to the White House and says, "Condi, I wonder if you can answer
a question for me." "Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?" Bush poses the question:
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees,
and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over
the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.
"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims,
"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's our Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!".
